I almost feel lost. Like the self-confidence I
had emanating out from me is covered by stacks of negativity. With any steps
I take in the future, I am answerable to everyone- where will I go, what will I
do?
With the end of my last tenuous relationship,
I felt I had a new lease on life. I was confident I would find someone
compatible enough to settle down with, never having to look back. Now I feel
tied to yet another failed relationship where nothing else seems to be missing
but the fact that we live 60,000 miles away & that he is one of most commit-phobic man I know. Just my luck to find someone like that.
So now where does this leave me? I want to
quit my job but scared of what lies ahead, if there is anything at all. I'm the
target of those judging gazes and remarks of "Oh, do you have a contingency
plan? What do you plan to do right after?" Why can't it be as simple as
quitting work and concentrating on my hopes and dreams for once? I just seem to
be flowing with the tide, but it's not MY tide.
Do I have the confidence to finally set out to
pursue my dreams that I have been longing to do since I was 18?! It has taken
me 10 years of progressing and growing to finally get here. What should I
do? My instincts are screaming to give in my 2 weeks notice and leave prior to
starting a new project.
And then there's this man, or should I
say 'boy' who is my ego element that I so try and ignore otherwise.
Contrary to what he says, I know he doesn't support the dreams I do. Unlike my
parents, he doesn't seem willing to give it a fair chance, to believe in me no
matter what. So then what exactly am I waiting for?
And if so a decision is taken to end this, I
will be alone again, and the fear of not finding that suitable person will
mount my entire being. Then I reprimand myself for even allowing this to even
go on for 2 years. How could I sit by and watch this happen? A girl only dreams
of finding that great, simple guy who understands and respects her, who she can
with eyes closed thinking of spending eternity with, not worrying or feeling
stifled. If the basic elements fit, that is what counts.
It doesn't seem to fit here. No judgments, but
he comes from a ruthless corporate world which takes over one's entire being,
where money eventually becomes the key element over relationships. He is the
one who pushes my defenses and I can't have that.
So I will let the tide flow and take its due
course, eventually in hope that it will flow towards me at some point. You’ve
got to give Fate the reigns and hope She manages to steer better than you.
