Don’t Pull The Rug From Under Me!

She was an independent, strong woman. She had her wits about her and had everything going for her… until she broke up with her beau. Women are labelled as crazy and needy, but the question is - have they always been this way? There are of course exceptions to the rule. But if you ask any of these women, they will tell you that they had the rug pulled out from under them.

What does that mean exactly? I’ll paint you a pretty picture. The boy is floored by you. He thinks you are the most beautiful and amazing woman he’s ever met, and he can’t stop telling you that. He can’t believe his luck. He wines you and dines you, sends you flowers, seems utterly devoted… until one day he pulls the plug. Or the rug as I say. All the sweet nothings he whispered in your ear, the excessive messaging and wanting, planning your lives together, all comes to a stop. Sometimes there is a reason and sometimes there isn’t. He feels he doesn’t need to explain himself. You wonder and ask, because we women love to share our feelings. We operate from a place of emotion. Men don’t. It’s as easy as a switch for them - On/Off. I do envy that about a man sometimes. 

So what happens? The woman has already let her guard down and opened herself up to him, thinking he’s her knight in shining armour and her possible forever. But the pedestal he had put her up on has crumbled from underneath her. She asks “But what was all that for? All the words and promises you made?” Suddenly it’s all for nothing. Sound familiar?

My dear - there is a reason why people say ‘Actions speak louder than words’. Men are as true to their word as politicians are to this country. When they feel it, they feel it. But when they don’t, they just don’t. Yes it is a big bad world out there when it comes to dating and relationships. Which is why we can’t get used to that cosy rug. We just have to be ready to face the cold hard floor when that rug is pulled from under us.

One would argue and say - ‘But all men are not like that.’ Well, true. But that is because they have transitioned onto the 2nd phase - The phase where they look to you as their ‘forever’ and also cannot do without you. Men need mothering, whether they admit to it or not. Be it their helper, maid, or cook. They love being taken care of. And when you become that person for them, a different sense of love grows. They have something warm, comfortable, and familiar to come home to. Not to say that the couch doesn't do the trick for some! But you get my drift.

They key is not to give too much too soon. If they hold their cards close to their chest, so should you. The old saying ‘Men love the chase’ comes into play here. It really is a game unfortunately, whether we women like to admit it or not. The nice girls always do finish last. Make him work for it. Make him realise that if he was the last man on earth and he had many women to choose from, he would choose you every time. You don’t need him, but he needs you. Most women of today are financially independent, so a man is more of a want than a need now. 

You may ask ‘Why does the woman have to put up with so much more? Why do we have to be the ones to compromise?’ You don’t. But be sure of what you want from a man and don’t be needy about it. Don’t give away your power to soon, or I would say at all. Let him fight for you and respect you, so when he does finally get you, you are his most prized possession. I can go on and on, but I’m coming to my main point - Self-preservation.

Women are emotional creatures. We tend to give ourselves away too soon- ‘Here, I’m an open book. Take it all!” Not to say men haven’t had their hearts broken too. But when you use self-preservation in your relationships, rug or no rug, it doesn’t matter. You’re prepared for what’s next, be it good or bad. You’re used to the good stuff (we all love the wooing!) but you don’t wear your heart on your sleeve, or in some cases, on the tips of your fingers! Remind yourself that YOU chose to be with him. Stay in the moment, enjoy the attention with little expectations, and leave the rest to fate, God, or whatever higher power you believe in.

So the next time a man decides to woo you, make him dance around you and pander to your needs. Let him build a rug under you that is so thick, that he won’t be able to pull it out from under you this time. And if he does, you always have a gorgeous pair of heels to fall back on!

Blinkers Before Marriage

“Marriage just makes everything more permanent.” This is what you hear from many couples after they get married. That dreaded step to tie the knot. What changes? I have been told that the boyfriend-girlfriend equation completely dissolves. There is no room for escape or ‘temporary break-ups.’ This is the real deal.

I have often been given this piece of advice from my close friends, who are by the way, happily married and in love- “Don’t ever get married.” As if their entire life took a sudden turn and they got the unexpected. No one forced them into it. But then I apply the ‘Grass is always greener on the other side’ rule here. The single ones wish they were married; the married ones want a day of their single life back.

My real point here is that most couples think their spouses will change after marriage. They have this notion that marriage is the solution to all the problems in their relationship, and women especially think once they rope in a man after an exchange of vows, he has no choice but to change. Wrong! The problems that you had in your relationship only get magnified! The little habits you hated about him only get worse post marriage, because you are around it 24x7. If a man smokes pot, he will continue to smoke after getting married, no matter what his wife says. Unless it’s his personal choice to quit. It has to come from within. If a woman is a compulsive shopper and her husband-to-be thinks she’ll become more sensible with saving- wrong again. With a joint bank account he’s in for trouble. And so on.

This is the mistake most men and women make. They are AWARE of the annoying or difficult traits of the other person before marriage, but choose to put them aside in hope that their partner ‘will change.’ How wrong they are! No human being will obediently listen to another and change their habits that are ingrained in them from a young age, unless they voluntarily want to change them. Especially if that someone telling you is close to you! We get more defensive with our near and dear ones because we feel they are criticising us, even if they’re only trying to help.

You cannot turn around and say, “I never knew him” because let’s face it- we are out of the era of ‘one-meeting’ arranged marriages. You get enough time to sought out the disturbing or negative habits of the other person, and weigh in your mind what you can live with and what you can’t. The problem is people settle, in fear of not finding better, being alone, age factor, etc. But what’s the point? It’s either unhappiness forever, or divorce.

I’m not saying marriage doesn’t require compromise. Oh boy, I’m told everyday is a challenge. But you need to know within yourself what your limits are and what you can handle and what you can’t. Hoping that an alcoholic will change because he loves you is putting yourself in denial. The blinkers need to come off and one has to be more discerning when it comes to choosing a partner. To know what YOU can live with.

If men and women just follow this simple rule and don’t go into denial mode BEFORE tying the knot, they’ll save themselves a whole lot of pain and stress. Not to mention, save their parents a crap load of money! You only go in blind when it comes to a game of flash. Marriage is a bigger gamble!

The Promise of Something

“This is fiction pulled out of my head!”

One is always trying to understand life and its ways. At first it gives you that red apple. And then in one swift motion it takes it away from you, so fast that you miss out on the actual lesson at hand.

She was one girl who had been through her share of life experiences and varied relationships, so much so that she was worried she was turning into a cynic and a non-believer of love. That ‘fate’ and things that were ‘meant to happen’ were just made up to make people feel better and give them a false sense of hope.

But one evening he crossed her path. It was a regular feature for her to meet different people, men in particular. The universe would every now and then throw at her new people to deal with, and in some ways teach her funny lessons that she could not quite understand.

But this was different. The meeting was out of the ordinary, like it was ‘meant to be.’ When the stars align, there is nothing you could have done to change it otherwise. Or so she thought at the time.

For the first time, the cynic in her could not find any faults in him. Too short, too dark, bad teeth, squint eye. Nothing. She could accept him for all that he was without needing to know more. She knew he was taken in by her as well. When there is a spark or connection between two people, the remaining  people in the room are oblivious to it. But the two people know it, sense it.

A few drinks down, a few bars visited, he seemed to only want her company. Or was she imagining it? Did she imagine the caress on her back? The tightness with which he held her? The sole attentiveness on his part despite the other pretty ladies around? There was a bit of hand holding, or maybe it was a momentary gesture of politeness. It all felt very high school to her. It was their world with no one to notice but the two people who had built that cocoon for themselves that night.

The lingering kiss on the cheek, the touch on the small of her back. No, she didn’t imagine any of it.

And then the eagerness to meet the next day, with the promise of something hanging in the air. She felt it, and she assumed he did too.

But what did all of it mean? Is chivalry such a pendulum that it only swings to extremes? Either none of it or then showered with extravagant attention, to which a friend would say ‘Don’t read too much into it.’ And so we must accept this as ‘normal decorum’ in order to protect ourselves and expect the least from him.

Thus the promise of something remained in the air, unsolved. She didn’t hear from him, the memories of the previous night still lingering in her mind. She never knew if she had built a castle in her mind, or that the moment could have been real. But if the memory of that night could bring a smile to her face each time, she wouldn’t trade it in for anything in the world. It is moments like these that make one appreciate the ‘real’ thing when it comes knocking. Because when you have it for good, you don’t let it go.

As they say, some fairytales remain as castles in the sky. And that fleeting moment is all you have. If we knew it back then, we would ask God to stop time so that we could experience and savour the moment completely for fear of not getting it back.

Rubber band rebound- Facts & Signs

Most of us, or should I say 90%  of us have been in rebound relationships, knowingly or unknowingly. Personally I view it as a sad & cowardly way to move on, as opposed to deal with what's actually going on. Here are a few signs for those rebounders who thought it was 'true love!' (Courtesy: Google)

"A rebound relationship is one that occurs shortly after the break-up of a significant love relationship. If you are in a relationship but have distanced yourself emotionally from your relationship partner, you may begin a rebound relationship before you even leave the relationship you are in.

A rebound relationship is a distraction. It is a connection to another person that keeps us from having to experience the full extent of the emotional pain of our recent break – up. It is a misguided attempt to move on with our lives. Many people will jump back into the dating scene because of the fear of being alone. It’s a quick fix, one in which we can drown out our pain by reveling in the emotional intensity and passion of a new found love. It can be a a lot more fun than dealing with the misery of a recently broken heart.

We may have a sense of urgency and a desire to make sure we get it right the next time around. Those are great motivators to have, but make sure that sense of urgency is not causing you to rush in the wrong direction. Most of these rebound relationships are not permanent, and they can be even more destructive than the earlier breakup."

So do yourself and any potential new relationship partners a favour and deal with the pain of your old relationship before moving onto another one. One may miss the comfort and affection of a regular relationship. But whatever the reason is, it is a selfish reason.

Agreed, breakups are painful and hard. But in the end, the fun and memorable times spent with your partner are definitely worth the pain. Rather than putting a temporary band-aid on it, may as well wait for the real deal, right?