“Marriage just makes everything more permanent.” This is
what you hear from many couples after they get married. That dreaded step to
tie the knot. What changes? I have been told that the boyfriend-girlfriend equation completely dissolves. There is no room for escape or ‘temporary break-ups.’
This is the real deal.
I have often been given this piece of advice from my close
friends, who are by the way, happily married and in love- “Don’t ever get
married.” As if their entire life took a sudden turn and they got the
unexpected. No one forced them into it. But then I apply the ‘Grass is always
greener on the other side’ rule here. The single ones wish they were married;
the married ones want a day of their single life back.
My real point here is that most couples think their spouses will change after marriage. They have this notion that marriage is the solution to all the problems in their relationship, and women especially think once they
rope in a man after an exchange of vows, he has no choice but to change. Wrong!
The problems that you had in your relationship only get magnified! The little
habits you hated about him only get worse post marriage, because you are around
it 24x7. If a man smokes pot, he will continue to smoke after getting married,
no matter what his wife says. Unless it’s his personal choice to quit. It has
to come from within. If a woman is a compulsive shopper and her husband-to-be
thinks she’ll become more sensible with saving- wrong again. With
a joint bank account he’s in for trouble. And so on.
This is the mistake most men and women make. They are AWARE
of the annoying or difficult traits of the other person before marriage, but
choose to put them aside in hope that their partner ‘will change.’ How wrong
they are! No human being will obediently listen to another and change their
habits that are ingrained in them from a young age, unless they voluntarily
want to change them. Especially if that someone telling you is close to you! We
get more defensive with our near and dear ones because we feel they are criticising us, even if they’re only trying to help.
You cannot turn around and say, “I never knew him” because
let’s face it- we are out of the era of ‘one-meeting’ arranged marriages. You
get enough time to sought out the disturbing or negative habits of the other
person, and weigh in your mind what you can live with and what you can’t. The
problem is people settle, in fear of not finding better, being alone, age
factor, etc. But what’s the point? It’s either unhappiness forever, or divorce.
I’m not saying marriage doesn’t require compromise. Oh boy,
I’m told everyday is a challenge. But you need to know within yourself what your
limits are and what you can handle and what you can’t. Hoping that an alcoholic
will change because he loves you is putting yourself in denial. The blinkers
need to come off and one has to be more discerning when it comes to choosing a
partner. To know what YOU can live with.
If men and women just follow this simple rule and don’t go
into denial mode BEFORE tying the knot, they’ll save themselves a whole lot of
pain and stress. Not to mention, save their parents a crap load of money! You
only go in blind when it comes to a game of flash. Marriage is a bigger gamble!
