Blinkers Before Marriage

“Marriage just makes everything more permanent.” This is what you hear from many couples after they get married. That dreaded step to tie the knot. What changes? I have been told that the boyfriend-girlfriend equation completely dissolves. There is no room for escape or ‘temporary break-ups.’ This is the real deal.

I have often been given this piece of advice from my close friends, who are by the way, happily married and in love- “Don’t ever get married.” As if their entire life took a sudden turn and they got the unexpected. No one forced them into it. But then I apply the ‘Grass is always greener on the other side’ rule here. The single ones wish they were married; the married ones want a day of their single life back.

My real point here is that most couples think their spouses will change after marriage. They have this notion that marriage is the solution to all the problems in their relationship, and women especially think once they rope in a man after an exchange of vows, he has no choice but to change. Wrong! The problems that you had in your relationship only get magnified! The little habits you hated about him only get worse post marriage, because you are around it 24x7. If a man smokes pot, he will continue to smoke after getting married, no matter what his wife says. Unless it’s his personal choice to quit. It has to come from within. If a woman is a compulsive shopper and her husband-to-be thinks she’ll become more sensible with saving- wrong again. With a joint bank account he’s in for trouble. And so on.

This is the mistake most men and women make. They are AWARE of the annoying or difficult traits of the other person before marriage, but choose to put them aside in hope that their partner ‘will change.’ How wrong they are! No human being will obediently listen to another and change their habits that are ingrained in them from a young age, unless they voluntarily want to change them. Especially if that someone telling you is close to you! We get more defensive with our near and dear ones because we feel they are criticising us, even if they’re only trying to help.

You cannot turn around and say, “I never knew him” because let’s face it- we are out of the era of ‘one-meeting’ arranged marriages. You get enough time to sought out the disturbing or negative habits of the other person, and weigh in your mind what you can live with and what you can’t. The problem is people settle, in fear of not finding better, being alone, age factor, etc. But what’s the point? It’s either unhappiness forever, or divorce.

I’m not saying marriage doesn’t require compromise. Oh boy, I’m told everyday is a challenge. But you need to know within yourself what your limits are and what you can handle and what you can’t. Hoping that an alcoholic will change because he loves you is putting yourself in denial. The blinkers need to come off and one has to be more discerning when it comes to choosing a partner. To know what YOU can live with.

If men and women just follow this simple rule and don’t go into denial mode BEFORE tying the knot, they’ll save themselves a whole lot of pain and stress. Not to mention, save their parents a crap load of money! You only go in blind when it comes to a game of flash. Marriage is a bigger gamble!

Perks of Marriage

Every girl dreams of getting married; not because society demands it or because it’s the norm of today. No one delves into the reasons behind her choice, but instead pass comments like ‘Why on earth are you dying to get married??’ like it’s a crime to want to settle down. Instead of celebrating this big step in her life, she’s made out to be a pathetic and desperate cling-on.

There comes a point in a woman’s life when there are certain needs which she is looking to fulfill. And marriage, as over hyped and misjudged as it is, actually does fulfill those needs. Companionship. Security. Regular sex. Best friend for life.

At a certain stage everyone around settles down and gets lost in the hustle-bustle of their daily life. You start to miss having a companion to share everything with- moments of laughter, tears, great meals, movie nights, and special holidays. Settling down also entails becoming the center of your man’s life, being doted upon, and in some cases, spoiled rotten. Who wouldn’t want that??

You could argue and say that one can get all this in a relationship as well. Why not stay in a relationship; why get married? The answer is- there is more permanence in marriage. It is knowing that you’re in it for the long haul, not having to deal with the inevitable end of a relationship and the heartbreak that follows. Not to say that marriages don’t have an end! But to end a marriage means the D word- Divorce. A couple in a marriage would try everything to keep it together before they give up and resort to finding a lawyer.

Marriage brings with it perks like regular holidays, which you can plan openly without having to lie to your parents, as you might have done back in the day. In fact couples of today have made it a regular feature to take 3-4 holidays a year. And no one guilt-trips you about it! Being married also means permanent sleepovers with your loved one without all the hiding and sneaking, and no deadlines anymore!

And then come the gifts. A boyfriend wouldn’t buy you a highly expensive watch or piece of jewellry. But as a wife, you are allowed to drop ‘hints’ for special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. Since it’s more permanent, he wouldn’t mind spending that extra bit on you. And with a generous mother-in-law, the gifts your mother refused you saying ‘Save it for when you’re married’ can be asked for then! You wouldn’t have to resort to becoming a Carrie Bradshaw in Sex & The City and demand a pair of Manolo’s from your friends to celebrate your singledom!

Last but not the least, it helps to have someone to hold when you decide to have a nightmare at night, and to tend to you when you’re sick. Parents get fed up of your bouts of viral after 25 years, so it moves over to the spouse to be the next one to molly coddle you.

Regular sex after a certain age is healthy and crucial for overall well being, health and I would add, keeping that skin young and glowing. How long can you do the single rounds at a party, bat your lashes at random men and most of the time, go home alone?

The bottom line is- it is not a sin to want to get married. It’s better to ignore people’s judgments and snide comments. It’s your life at the end of the day, and you decide when and what is right for you. So long as you don’t put yourself on a platter to be served to every man that walks your way, you’ll be on your way to settling down with the right kind of ‘best friend’ who you can share all of the above with, till death do you part! Or divorce.