Don’t Pull The Rug From Under Me!

She was an independent, strong woman. She had her wits about her and had everything going for her… until she broke up with her beau. Women are labelled as crazy and needy, but the question is - have they always been this way? There are of course exceptions to the rule. But if you ask any of these women, they will tell you that they had the rug pulled out from under them.

What does that mean exactly? I’ll paint you a pretty picture. The boy is floored by you. He thinks you are the most beautiful and amazing woman he’s ever met, and he can’t stop telling you that. He can’t believe his luck. He wines you and dines you, sends you flowers, seems utterly devoted… until one day he pulls the plug. Or the rug as I say. All the sweet nothings he whispered in your ear, the excessive messaging and wanting, planning your lives together, all comes to a stop. Sometimes there is a reason and sometimes there isn’t. He feels he doesn’t need to explain himself. You wonder and ask, because we women love to share our feelings. We operate from a place of emotion. Men don’t. It’s as easy as a switch for them - On/Off. I do envy that about a man sometimes. 

So what happens? The woman has already let her guard down and opened herself up to him, thinking he’s her knight in shining armour and her possible forever. But the pedestal he had put her up on has crumbled from underneath her. She asks “But what was all that for? All the words and promises you made?” Suddenly it’s all for nothing. Sound familiar?

My dear - there is a reason why people say ‘Actions speak louder than words’. Men are as true to their word as politicians are to this country. When they feel it, they feel it. But when they don’t, they just don’t. Yes it is a big bad world out there when it comes to dating and relationships. Which is why we can’t get used to that cosy rug. We just have to be ready to face the cold hard floor when that rug is pulled from under us.

One would argue and say - ‘But all men are not like that.’ Well, true. But that is because they have transitioned onto the 2nd phase - The phase where they look to you as their ‘forever’ and also cannot do without you. Men need mothering, whether they admit to it or not. Be it their helper, maid, or cook. They love being taken care of. And when you become that person for them, a different sense of love grows. They have something warm, comfortable, and familiar to come home to. Not to say that the couch doesn't do the trick for some! But you get my drift.

They key is not to give too much too soon. If they hold their cards close to their chest, so should you. The old saying ‘Men love the chase’ comes into play here. It really is a game unfortunately, whether we women like to admit it or not. The nice girls always do finish last. Make him work for it. Make him realise that if he was the last man on earth and he had many women to choose from, he would choose you every time. You don’t need him, but he needs you. Most women of today are financially independent, so a man is more of a want than a need now. 

You may ask ‘Why does the woman have to put up with so much more? Why do we have to be the ones to compromise?’ You don’t. But be sure of what you want from a man and don’t be needy about it. Don’t give away your power to soon, or I would say at all. Let him fight for you and respect you, so when he does finally get you, you are his most prized possession. I can go on and on, but I’m coming to my main point - Self-preservation.

Women are emotional creatures. We tend to give ourselves away too soon- ‘Here, I’m an open book. Take it all!” Not to say men haven’t had their hearts broken too. But when you use self-preservation in your relationships, rug or no rug, it doesn’t matter. You’re prepared for what’s next, be it good or bad. You’re used to the good stuff (we all love the wooing!) but you don’t wear your heart on your sleeve, or in some cases, on the tips of your fingers! Remind yourself that YOU chose to be with him. Stay in the moment, enjoy the attention with little expectations, and leave the rest to fate, God, or whatever higher power you believe in.

So the next time a man decides to woo you, make him dance around you and pander to your needs. Let him build a rug under you that is so thick, that he won’t be able to pull it out from under you this time. And if he does, you always have a gorgeous pair of heels to fall back on!

Blinkers Before Marriage

“Marriage just makes everything more permanent.” This is what you hear from many couples after they get married. That dreaded step to tie the knot. What changes? I have been told that the boyfriend-girlfriend equation completely dissolves. There is no room for escape or ‘temporary break-ups.’ This is the real deal.

I have often been given this piece of advice from my close friends, who are by the way, happily married and in love- “Don’t ever get married.” As if their entire life took a sudden turn and they got the unexpected. No one forced them into it. But then I apply the ‘Grass is always greener on the other side’ rule here. The single ones wish they were married; the married ones want a day of their single life back.

My real point here is that most couples think their spouses will change after marriage. They have this notion that marriage is the solution to all the problems in their relationship, and women especially think once they rope in a man after an exchange of vows, he has no choice but to change. Wrong! The problems that you had in your relationship only get magnified! The little habits you hated about him only get worse post marriage, because you are around it 24x7. If a man smokes pot, he will continue to smoke after getting married, no matter what his wife says. Unless it’s his personal choice to quit. It has to come from within. If a woman is a compulsive shopper and her husband-to-be thinks she’ll become more sensible with saving- wrong again. With a joint bank account he’s in for trouble. And so on.

This is the mistake most men and women make. They are AWARE of the annoying or difficult traits of the other person before marriage, but choose to put them aside in hope that their partner ‘will change.’ How wrong they are! No human being will obediently listen to another and change their habits that are ingrained in them from a young age, unless they voluntarily want to change them. Especially if that someone telling you is close to you! We get more defensive with our near and dear ones because we feel they are criticising us, even if they’re only trying to help.

You cannot turn around and say, “I never knew him” because let’s face it- we are out of the era of ‘one-meeting’ arranged marriages. You get enough time to sought out the disturbing or negative habits of the other person, and weigh in your mind what you can live with and what you can’t. The problem is people settle, in fear of not finding better, being alone, age factor, etc. But what’s the point? It’s either unhappiness forever, or divorce.

I’m not saying marriage doesn’t require compromise. Oh boy, I’m told everyday is a challenge. But you need to know within yourself what your limits are and what you can handle and what you can’t. Hoping that an alcoholic will change because he loves you is putting yourself in denial. The blinkers need to come off and one has to be more discerning when it comes to choosing a partner. To know what YOU can live with.

If men and women just follow this simple rule and don’t go into denial mode BEFORE tying the knot, they’ll save themselves a whole lot of pain and stress. Not to mention, save their parents a crap load of money! You only go in blind when it comes to a game of flash. Marriage is a bigger gamble!

She's Just Not That Into You!

I actually get embarrassed for some men who chase their tails when it comes to women, who have NO clue what they’re doing wrong or when they should stop the pursuit before they get labelled as a ‘lend’ or ‘stalker’ and it’s pretty much downhill from there for them.

I do acknowledge us women to be complicated creatures and more so often, we pin it on the guy. But for one human race to remain sane, I put together a list of signs/ hints/ messages for men, which indicate that the woman is just not into them. So they may as well give up the chase and pursue another who will actually appreciate all the effort!

Also note- women do like to play games, but at the same time the ones interested love to be chased! So if you play it cool guy with a girl who’s keen, she WILL lose interest in you eventually. Yes we are complicated creatures, but that's what takes the boredom out of this world!

So here goes:

• She takes too long to reply to your messages.
• Doesn't return your call for 2 whole days.
• Politely nods during your conversation, but seems distracted.
• Reluctantly gives you her phone number but always seems busy when you contact her.
• Makes excuses every time you ask her out.
• Discusses other boys with you.
• Moves back when you lean in to kiss her on the cheek.
• Makes an excuse to walk away at a party after 5 minutes of conversation.
• Tries to set you up with her friends (chances are she could be making you jealous, but look for other signs then listed above).
• Doesn't flirt back or bat her eyelashes at you.
• Doesn't ever call or message you first.
• If you manage to get her out on a date, keeps checking her watch and ends the date early.
• Ignores your Facebook friend request or doesn't reply to your Facebook messages.
• Asks you to bring your cute friends to a party (and doesn’t mention it’s for her friends!).
• Calls you her brother occasionally.
• Ruffles your hair affectionately or pinches your cheeks.

If you see some or all of these signs in a girl you like, honey it’s bad news- She’s just not that into you! Don't waste time hanging around. Move on! You'll not only push her away, but the chances of you staying friends will be bleak.

The chase is fun, but chase the right woman who might reciprocate instead of dating a wall. And save yourself the embarrassment of different labels, which usually go around, because women talk!

Hate us already?

We are but pawns in the Game of Dating

It is said that God made men in Mars and women in Venus, thus both sexes incorporating the respective masculine and feminine energies of the planets. Pole opposites, the union of the 2 made earth an interesting & volatile place to be.

For centuries men and women have been trying to meet on a common plane and understand each other’s quirks. It takes years to crack the code. It took me precisely 29 years. Well, technically the first 5 didn’t count. My first boyfriend was in kindergarten, and he and I once shared the same nailpolish shade. That was the main issue in our kindergarten relationship. Life was so much simpler back then!

So in order to crack the ‘male code’ there are a few things we as women need to understand about how the male mind works. One can never guarantee a 100% success, but a few tips will definitely save us some heartbreak and stress!

RULE # 1: THEY chase. When we chase, they run.

Pretty straightforward- Until you have the guy wrapped around your finger, blindly & madly in love with you, the chase will continue. It’s knowing that they can’t have something is what drives them to chase it. So don’t think messaging or calling, or following up is sweet or thoughtful. The only message you’re sending is- “I’m available. Boring. Next.” Short of being a bitch is what a girl needs to be. Women often complain- “But oh, I hate playing games. I like things simple.” Honey- if life were that simple, everyone would be happily married and divorce lawyers would be out of business!

Let HIM call or message you first. Let him initiate a plan. You volunteer restaurant/ venue information. If he doesn’t follow up after the date- he really ISN’T into you! When a man knows he wants something, he will make sure he gets it. The bonus card you have is if you’re hot. Then you can get away with that extra bit of sweetness and availability.

I marvel at some dynamics and realize there is a pattern here. Why ugly chicks get hot guys and hot chicks end up with so-so nerdy boys. 9 out of 10 couples fall into this category. Ugly chicks somehow feign attitude, because they know that’s all they’ve got. And that sends the hot men running towards them!

RULE #2: Don’t put out on the first date.

All men have this image of their perfect women mirroring their mother, the one woman in his life who’s given him everything from birth and put him up on a pedestal, no matter what.

So when a girl decides to ‘give her all’ on the first date in the bedroom hoping to snag the guy, she’s actually pushed him right out the door! Men never respect women who physically give themselves up too soon, because that’s the kind of girl they would NOT want to bring home to mommy. They might say otherwise “No, it’s cool how liberal and open you are.” What they’re thinking is- “Booty call, till however long it lasts!”

Men are intrigued by women who don’t put out on the first few dates (at least the first two). For them the chase gets more interesting and the final goal seems further away. And in all this time spent with the girl in order to reach this ‘final goal’ they end up falling in love! And boom- you’ve netted the guy! But it isn’t that easy. If you wait too long, the man can lose interest and look for other prey. It’s a fine line and one needs to know how to hold the man’s interest without giving too much too soon.

RULE #3: He needs to know everything that is going on inside my head- NOT TRUE!

Men are said to have a limited threshold for information. That is why you see male bonding over beer, loud music, video games and clubbing. Less talk; more adrenaline. Whereas a girl’s night is not complete without a gossip session with her besties about the latest catch, why he hasn’t called, and figuring out his whereabouts through facebook.

So when a girl needs to explain her point of view to her man, she needs to do it with minimum amount of words. Because long sentences just gets lost on them! He will pick up on the tone and manner of your speech and react to that, not the crux of it. So it will come across as nagging, yelling, finger pointing, when all you wanted to explain to him was WHY you felt a certain way.

Better still, why don’t you put him in your shoes? Replay what he did to you and see how he reacts. If you got jealous about him talking to a girl at a bar, next time look your hottest self and throw smiles at guys around. If they see you’re not with anyone, someone is bound to come up to you. Or flirt with the bartender (only if he’s cute). This will definitely tweak his strings. A proud man will never bring it up, but if you’re in an honest relationship, he will bring it up in a round about manner. When he realizes how it makes him feel, chances are it won’t be repeated, or in the near future at least!

Yes, playing games is exhausting. But if fairytales really did exist, the earth would turn diabetic, and well, the balance would be disrupted.

Rule #4: The world is mine, not his.

No matter how much we love him, how our heart is going to BURST out of our chest every time we see him, how we want ‘Titanic moments’ with him, remember there was a life before him and there is no reason why that should be pushed aside for something that’s not written in stone. Meet your close friends, do the same things you enjoy doing- just work harder at your time management skills. Easier said than done of course. Women become emotional puppets and any less time spent with their man means there’s a flaw in the relationship. Do you see a man give up his golf game or drinks with his buddies for a night out with you? He knows he has you; you’re not going anywhere, unless of course you’re dying of cancer in which case your days together are numbered.

So why can’t you still attend that class you enjoy? Or keep that once in a week outing with your girlfriends? It keeps you alive and that time apart from your man only makes you both want to be with each other more. He will love and respect you more knowing you have an independent life and CAN walk out on him whenever you want.

Sadly there are other extreme cases where women are so financially independent that they don’t have the patience to stay in a relationship when things go awry. In such instances, the next step is divorce.

RULE #5: Give him what he’s missing

Give him what he can’t get in the market. Yes, men do bore easy, but so do we! In order to keep the zest in the relationship, try different things that you wouldn’t otherwise. Wear that dress you’ve been holding onto in your closet for that ‘special occasion.’ Or take him to dinner to places you don’t regularly visit. Surprise him.

This goes to say in the bedroom as well. Sadly, men are genetically tuned to spread their seed. It comes naturally to them, which is of course when the affairs begin. So keep him hooked and wanting more. Remind him why he was attracted to you in the first place! You have that one up over the other women- he loves YOU.

Give him a relaxing massage when he comes back home from work, or prepare a nice dinner with the promise of ‘dessert’ in the bedroom later. I know this all sounds cliché, but knowing he that has all this comfort to come home to (minus the nagging), why would he look for anything else? Provided the ‘dessert’ is the highlight of his night! Make his fantasies come alive by dressing up as one of his favourite comic/movie characters. Princess Leia seemed to work with Ross in Friends. Fiction, but it might work!

But more importantly, be confident of who you are. Men seem to smell fear and neediness which eventually sends them into the arms of a more confident woman, as they seem to find that extremely appealing.

RULE #6: Man up, take charge.

Men do like to hold that macho, protective role in a woman’s life. But they also want their woman to take charge when it comes to decision-making. Whether it’s planning a trip, deciding the dinner venue or holiday- contribute! A man would want an intelligent woman around him who has an opinion of her own.

This of course doesn’t mean that you become Little Miss Bossy! A study was conducted on askmen.com with respect to bossy women, and how wearing the pants in a relationship could have a lot to do with how frequently they get into their partner’s! Quote: “For starters, “bossy” women can be the opposite of attractive, and men might opt for free porn on the net instead of climbing in bed with a nag like Peggy Bundy.”(askmen.com).

So when he asks you to suggest a restaurant or movie, come up with something, instead of ‘Darling, whatever you like.’ This will frustrate him later. He may as well be having that conversation with himself.

Having said that, it is not advisable to go to the other extreme of never taking his input and constantly putting forward your opinion without paying heed to his. Balance is key.

RULE #7: Unrealistic expectations only exist in the imagination

If he was never like this from the beginning, how can you expect him to suddenly change and morph himself into something he never was? Statements like ‘Oh you never buy me flowers.’ But wait a minute- did he ever? Was it a daily/weekly habit? Even if so, it is unrealistic to expect him to give you roses 365 days a year, unless he’s contesting for Romeo’s role. And I don’t think even Romeo gave Juliet that many flowers!

Men LOVE being appreciated. It is the one thing that makes them feel manly. If you belittle him and shoot him down for the one thing he tried to do for you because it ‘wasn’t good enough’ you’re not only questioning his manhood, but chances are he won’t try and do the same thing for you again. Men cannot deal with failure.

On the other hand, if you actually appreciate that the man has gone out of way to do this simple kind thing for you, chances are it'll be even bigger next time!

Complaints like ‘You never compliment me’ or ‘You never do what her husband does for her’ is all comparison. Men hate being compared to others, and again this challenges his manhood. If he doesn’t compliment you, someone else will! And why do you need validation from your man when you know you’re looking pretty damn good? He’ll show you his validation later in bed. Men have a different way of expressing themselves than women. And it’s not with words. Only a few are the poem and love note variety, but that much sap in a relationship can get nauseating after a while. It seems those men have lost touch with their masculinity and stepped into our world!

Just the way you want him to appreciate the goodness in you, try and appreciate the goodness in him. It’ll take your relationship a long way.

I know most women would say ‘Why should we go through all the effort? Men should too.” The sad truth is that men actually don’t give a damn. They don’t have that analytical gene in them with which they analyse each and every action or word. We were born with it and if there are tools given to us to use, we should use them well so that we don’t plummet to our death out of sheer frustration! Because the truth is: You cannot live with OR without them. (Holds good for both sexes actually). You may as well play the game and enjoy it! Once you start seeing results, you will want to continue playing. After all, it’s all about winning!

“Women are the more emotionally stronger species of the two, and have the strength to carry a part of them for 9 months. All women have this hidden strength that they are not aware of.”