The Dilemma of 30

The number itself makes people cringe. ‘Oh, halfway to sixty’ or ‘Over the hill.’ I had come close to a depressive moment, but only to realize soon enough- I am who I am BECAUSE of 30. The last 30 years have enriched my life with experiences and valuable lessons, all to mould me into a person I would like to be. 5 years ago I didn’t know what I wanted from life, or who I really was. Today, I am ready to take on any challenges that might come my way, all because 30 has prepared me and made me who I am.

Of course, one isn’t always prepared for the worst and people go through the toughest of circumstances. But my point is- 30 is a whole new level of maturity, and if you add fun to it, it’s the best way to live. People are well into their careers, have more spending power and if single, can start living their life to the fullest now. All the studying and schooling is in the past, and one reaps the benefits of it all now.

I wouldn’t be 'me' today had I not gone through the rigmarole of broken relationships, rebellion with the parents, switching jobs, and numerous other experiences over the last 30 years. It's like they all formed a pyramid and base under me, and been the building blocks to making me into this person today. No regrets. I only look forward and welcome the future and what it has to offer me. Whenever the going gets tough, the strength learned from facing different obstacles in the past will pick us up each time and bring us back to our equilibrium.

You might ask, why the number 30? Why not say, 28? I have been told that something clicks inside you when the clock turns 12, and ‘something’ changes when you leave the 20’s behind. I can only guess what that something is. Aside from feeling old (which I never will!) there is a renewed sense of responsibility and wisdom that comes about. Left behind are university days of abusing ones body with alcohol and drugs, and a realization creeps in that one can’t look as gorgeous and young forever. The levels of consciousness rise, and the priorities and the choices we make change.

5 years ago if anyone were to ask me where I would be 5 years from now, I would’ve said married, have my own private practice, and possibly living abroad. I guess none of us are visionaries. The hopes and dreams I had envisaged remained to be hopes and dreams. We as humans set higher standards for ourselves, and as a result we end up feeling disappointed with ourselves.

The present moment is about looking around and appreciating what and who is around you, living a comfortable and stress-free life, because with years to come, only more stress will be added on! To enjoy living with your parents if not married, and appreciating your friends, your freedom and the youth you still have. 30 is just the tip of the iceberg, with so much more to come.

So as the countdown begins, I am more than happy to be turning 30 because I know I have so much more to share with the world. They can learn from my experiences, and I in turn can learn from my past mistakes to know that I won’t make the same in the future.

Welcome to the 30’s! 

             After all, 30’s are the new 20’s!

Book of Rules

A simple thing like finding a partner comes with a book of rules. Everyone is looking to meet that ‘right’ person. But there seems to be a set of rules to follow, imparted on us by society and our parents. It’s all the conditioning, which results in internal conflict within an individual- a tug between our inner wants and what society demands of us.

For parents, the obvious worry is their son or daughter’s long-term happiness. They know kids of today don’t have room for compromise anymore. The rule book then becomes more voluminous. Money? Looks? Family background? Joint family? Education? Career? These are just the main dealbreakers that almost every person looks at before jumping into a long-term commitment. Then come the sub-breakers, which differ from person to person. Does he have a temper? Has he been divorced? History with women? Big nose, ugly hands. Any excuse to delay that impending decision of getting hitched with a stranger.

We are discussing arranged marriages here because in today’s society it has become a norm and not so frowned upon anymore. Parents want good families and their daughter’s choice of boy doesn’t seem to sit well with them.

Thus. with this book of rules romance is thrown out of the window. All the wooing, light flirting and ‘romancing’ is preceded by whether the boy will fit in well with the girl and her family, and then they can fall in love. And especially if the fit is good, well then they just have to.

But then one can look at it this way- if there wasn’t a book of rules, would there be more failed marriages? Possibly yes. The threshold of patience amongst young couples today is very minimal. A pre-planned match would probably see itself through a longer stretch of time, by matching all the elements for each individual. I am not talking about Astrology. That is a concept that has not penetrated my belief filter yet. If two kids with a similar upbringing, parental background and group of friends got married, chances are that union would last, simply because the two would understand each other better. Fewer reasons to compromise.

So that precious book of rules, as much as it is cursed by me and thousands of other people, plays an important role in marriage today. We difficult, rigid individuals need to play by this book of rules, or we’ll end up lost in the middle of a desert not knowing how and why we got there in the first place!

"Till death do us part? Or till however long I can stand you?”

Perks of Marriage

Every girl dreams of getting married; not because society demands it or because it’s the norm of today. No one delves into the reasons behind her choice, but instead pass comments like ‘Why on earth are you dying to get married??’ like it’s a crime to want to settle down. Instead of celebrating this big step in her life, she’s made out to be a pathetic and desperate cling-on.

There comes a point in a woman’s life when there are certain needs which she is looking to fulfill. And marriage, as over hyped and misjudged as it is, actually does fulfill those needs. Companionship. Security. Regular sex. Best friend for life.

At a certain stage everyone around settles down and gets lost in the hustle-bustle of their daily life. You start to miss having a companion to share everything with- moments of laughter, tears, great meals, movie nights, and special holidays. Settling down also entails becoming the center of your man’s life, being doted upon, and in some cases, spoiled rotten. Who wouldn’t want that??

You could argue and say that one can get all this in a relationship as well. Why not stay in a relationship; why get married? The answer is- there is more permanence in marriage. It is knowing that you’re in it for the long haul, not having to deal with the inevitable end of a relationship and the heartbreak that follows. Not to say that marriages don’t have an end! But to end a marriage means the D word- Divorce. A couple in a marriage would try everything to keep it together before they give up and resort to finding a lawyer.

Marriage brings with it perks like regular holidays, which you can plan openly without having to lie to your parents, as you might have done back in the day. In fact couples of today have made it a regular feature to take 3-4 holidays a year. And no one guilt-trips you about it! Being married also means permanent sleepovers with your loved one without all the hiding and sneaking, and no deadlines anymore!

And then come the gifts. A boyfriend wouldn’t buy you a highly expensive watch or piece of jewellry. But as a wife, you are allowed to drop ‘hints’ for special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. Since it’s more permanent, he wouldn’t mind spending that extra bit on you. And with a generous mother-in-law, the gifts your mother refused you saying ‘Save it for when you’re married’ can be asked for then! You wouldn’t have to resort to becoming a Carrie Bradshaw in Sex & The City and demand a pair of Manolo’s from your friends to celebrate your singledom!

Last but not the least, it helps to have someone to hold when you decide to have a nightmare at night, and to tend to you when you’re sick. Parents get fed up of your bouts of viral after 25 years, so it moves over to the spouse to be the next one to molly coddle you.

Regular sex after a certain age is healthy and crucial for overall well being, health and I would add, keeping that skin young and glowing. How long can you do the single rounds at a party, bat your lashes at random men and most of the time, go home alone?

The bottom line is- it is not a sin to want to get married. It’s better to ignore people’s judgments and snide comments. It’s your life at the end of the day, and you decide when and what is right for you. So long as you don’t put yourself on a platter to be served to every man that walks your way, you’ll be on your way to settling down with the right kind of ‘best friend’ who you can share all of the above with, till death do you part! Or divorce.

We are but pawns in the Game of Dating

It is said that God made men in Mars and women in Venus, thus both sexes incorporating the respective masculine and feminine energies of the planets. Pole opposites, the union of the 2 made earth an interesting & volatile place to be.

For centuries men and women have been trying to meet on a common plane and understand each other’s quirks. It takes years to crack the code. It took me precisely 29 years. Well, technically the first 5 didn’t count. My first boyfriend was in kindergarten, and he and I once shared the same nailpolish shade. That was the main issue in our kindergarten relationship. Life was so much simpler back then!

So in order to crack the ‘male code’ there are a few things we as women need to understand about how the male mind works. One can never guarantee a 100% success, but a few tips will definitely save us some heartbreak and stress!

RULE # 1: THEY chase. When we chase, they run.

Pretty straightforward- Until you have the guy wrapped around your finger, blindly & madly in love with you, the chase will continue. It’s knowing that they can’t have something is what drives them to chase it. So don’t think messaging or calling, or following up is sweet or thoughtful. The only message you’re sending is- “I’m available. Boring. Next.” Short of being a bitch is what a girl needs to be. Women often complain- “But oh, I hate playing games. I like things simple.” Honey- if life were that simple, everyone would be happily married and divorce lawyers would be out of business!

Let HIM call or message you first. Let him initiate a plan. You volunteer restaurant/ venue information. If he doesn’t follow up after the date- he really ISN’T into you! When a man knows he wants something, he will make sure he gets it. The bonus card you have is if you’re hot. Then you can get away with that extra bit of sweetness and availability.

I marvel at some dynamics and realize there is a pattern here. Why ugly chicks get hot guys and hot chicks end up with so-so nerdy boys. 9 out of 10 couples fall into this category. Ugly chicks somehow feign attitude, because they know that’s all they’ve got. And that sends the hot men running towards them!

RULE #2: Don’t put out on the first date.

All men have this image of their perfect women mirroring their mother, the one woman in his life who’s given him everything from birth and put him up on a pedestal, no matter what.

So when a girl decides to ‘give her all’ on the first date in the bedroom hoping to snag the guy, she’s actually pushed him right out the door! Men never respect women who physically give themselves up too soon, because that’s the kind of girl they would NOT want to bring home to mommy. They might say otherwise “No, it’s cool how liberal and open you are.” What they’re thinking is- “Booty call, till however long it lasts!”

Men are intrigued by women who don’t put out on the first few dates (at least the first two). For them the chase gets more interesting and the final goal seems further away. And in all this time spent with the girl in order to reach this ‘final goal’ they end up falling in love! And boom- you’ve netted the guy! But it isn’t that easy. If you wait too long, the man can lose interest and look for other prey. It’s a fine line and one needs to know how to hold the man’s interest without giving too much too soon.

RULE #3: He needs to know everything that is going on inside my head- NOT TRUE!

Men are said to have a limited threshold for information. That is why you see male bonding over beer, loud music, video games and clubbing. Less talk; more adrenaline. Whereas a girl’s night is not complete without a gossip session with her besties about the latest catch, why he hasn’t called, and figuring out his whereabouts through facebook.

So when a girl needs to explain her point of view to her man, she needs to do it with minimum amount of words. Because long sentences just gets lost on them! He will pick up on the tone and manner of your speech and react to that, not the crux of it. So it will come across as nagging, yelling, finger pointing, when all you wanted to explain to him was WHY you felt a certain way.

Better still, why don’t you put him in your shoes? Replay what he did to you and see how he reacts. If you got jealous about him talking to a girl at a bar, next time look your hottest self and throw smiles at guys around. If they see you’re not with anyone, someone is bound to come up to you. Or flirt with the bartender (only if he’s cute). This will definitely tweak his strings. A proud man will never bring it up, but if you’re in an honest relationship, he will bring it up in a round about manner. When he realizes how it makes him feel, chances are it won’t be repeated, or in the near future at least!

Yes, playing games is exhausting. But if fairytales really did exist, the earth would turn diabetic, and well, the balance would be disrupted.

Rule #4: The world is mine, not his.

No matter how much we love him, how our heart is going to BURST out of our chest every time we see him, how we want ‘Titanic moments’ with him, remember there was a life before him and there is no reason why that should be pushed aside for something that’s not written in stone. Meet your close friends, do the same things you enjoy doing- just work harder at your time management skills. Easier said than done of course. Women become emotional puppets and any less time spent with their man means there’s a flaw in the relationship. Do you see a man give up his golf game or drinks with his buddies for a night out with you? He knows he has you; you’re not going anywhere, unless of course you’re dying of cancer in which case your days together are numbered.

So why can’t you still attend that class you enjoy? Or keep that once in a week outing with your girlfriends? It keeps you alive and that time apart from your man only makes you both want to be with each other more. He will love and respect you more knowing you have an independent life and CAN walk out on him whenever you want.

Sadly there are other extreme cases where women are so financially independent that they don’t have the patience to stay in a relationship when things go awry. In such instances, the next step is divorce.

RULE #5: Give him what he’s missing

Give him what he can’t get in the market. Yes, men do bore easy, but so do we! In order to keep the zest in the relationship, try different things that you wouldn’t otherwise. Wear that dress you’ve been holding onto in your closet for that ‘special occasion.’ Or take him to dinner to places you don’t regularly visit. Surprise him.

This goes to say in the bedroom as well. Sadly, men are genetically tuned to spread their seed. It comes naturally to them, which is of course when the affairs begin. So keep him hooked and wanting more. Remind him why he was attracted to you in the first place! You have that one up over the other women- he loves YOU.

Give him a relaxing massage when he comes back home from work, or prepare a nice dinner with the promise of ‘dessert’ in the bedroom later. I know this all sounds cliché, but knowing he that has all this comfort to come home to (minus the nagging), why would he look for anything else? Provided the ‘dessert’ is the highlight of his night! Make his fantasies come alive by dressing up as one of his favourite comic/movie characters. Princess Leia seemed to work with Ross in Friends. Fiction, but it might work!

But more importantly, be confident of who you are. Men seem to smell fear and neediness which eventually sends them into the arms of a more confident woman, as they seem to find that extremely appealing.

RULE #6: Man up, take charge.

Men do like to hold that macho, protective role in a woman’s life. But they also want their woman to take charge when it comes to decision-making. Whether it’s planning a trip, deciding the dinner venue or holiday- contribute! A man would want an intelligent woman around him who has an opinion of her own.

This of course doesn’t mean that you become Little Miss Bossy! A study was conducted on askmen.com with respect to bossy women, and how wearing the pants in a relationship could have a lot to do with how frequently they get into their partner’s! Quote: “For starters, “bossy” women can be the opposite of attractive, and men might opt for free porn on the net instead of climbing in bed with a nag like Peggy Bundy.”(askmen.com).

So when he asks you to suggest a restaurant or movie, come up with something, instead of ‘Darling, whatever you like.’ This will frustrate him later. He may as well be having that conversation with himself.

Having said that, it is not advisable to go to the other extreme of never taking his input and constantly putting forward your opinion without paying heed to his. Balance is key.

RULE #7: Unrealistic expectations only exist in the imagination

If he was never like this from the beginning, how can you expect him to suddenly change and morph himself into something he never was? Statements like ‘Oh you never buy me flowers.’ But wait a minute- did he ever? Was it a daily/weekly habit? Even if so, it is unrealistic to expect him to give you roses 365 days a year, unless he’s contesting for Romeo’s role. And I don’t think even Romeo gave Juliet that many flowers!

Men LOVE being appreciated. It is the one thing that makes them feel manly. If you belittle him and shoot him down for the one thing he tried to do for you because it ‘wasn’t good enough’ you’re not only questioning his manhood, but chances are he won’t try and do the same thing for you again. Men cannot deal with failure.

On the other hand, if you actually appreciate that the man has gone out of way to do this simple kind thing for you, chances are it'll be even bigger next time!

Complaints like ‘You never compliment me’ or ‘You never do what her husband does for her’ is all comparison. Men hate being compared to others, and again this challenges his manhood. If he doesn’t compliment you, someone else will! And why do you need validation from your man when you know you’re looking pretty damn good? He’ll show you his validation later in bed. Men have a different way of expressing themselves than women. And it’s not with words. Only a few are the poem and love note variety, but that much sap in a relationship can get nauseating after a while. It seems those men have lost touch with their masculinity and stepped into our world!

Just the way you want him to appreciate the goodness in you, try and appreciate the goodness in him. It’ll take your relationship a long way.

I know most women would say ‘Why should we go through all the effort? Men should too.” The sad truth is that men actually don’t give a damn. They don’t have that analytical gene in them with which they analyse each and every action or word. We were born with it and if there are tools given to us to use, we should use them well so that we don’t plummet to our death out of sheer frustration! Because the truth is: You cannot live with OR without them. (Holds good for both sexes actually). You may as well play the game and enjoy it! Once you start seeing results, you will want to continue playing. After all, it’s all about winning!

“Women are the more emotionally stronger species of the two, and have the strength to carry a part of them for 9 months. All women have this hidden strength that they are not aware of.”

Women in India and New-Age Dating

Dating today has taken on several new versions and upgrades, and can be considered one of the most complicated activities. It’s not the simple eye-gaze or day-out with the person, as it may have been in our parents or grandparents’ times. So many games, rules & egos involved. As if we didn’t have enough stress with work and other worldly problems.

Recently a German friend related his woes on dating Indian girls here. “So when I want to take a girl out on a date, it means her friends are part of the package. I am not interested in making polite conversation with her best friend. My time is dedicated to the girl, but apparently in order to spend time with her, I have to open my mouth and entertain her friends too. It’s so much simpler in Germany, when you can take the girl out alone and then to bed after dinner!” And I’m sure he’s not the last man to feel that way. This is usually the case with the young girls who feel the need to have their posse with them on a date. They feel it’ll go better, but what they don’t realize is, their friends end up knowing the guy better than they do! Eventually the guy loses interest and goes for the best friend instead- Plan backfired!

The bottom line is- the guy wants to date YOU. He wants to get to know YOU. There will eventually be a time when you both will be alone, so why not on the first date? Believe it or not, but boys are equally as nervous as us, if not more!

A culture gap does exist between India and abroad. Women overseas are more sexually expressive and open about their sexuality. In India, sex is still considered taboo and not so openly discussed. Even the most modern women hold back on the first date. It has something to do with the beliefs we’ve been brought up with. It is ironic however that the Kamasutra originated from here!

Sex is a basic need, like hunger. No one admits it but everyone needs it. There is a constant battle with women in India between fulfilling that need and keeping with their values and belief systems. Not so much a case in the west.

Having said that, the dynamics do seem to be changing a bit. Many successful women in their late 30’s prefer not to get into the whole dating game and have multiple partners instead. Work is their main focus and they choose not to delve into the stresses of a serious relationship. Referring to those women with high-powered jobs who may never end up taking a husband. If they have access to what they need, when they need it, why not choose that life?

But at some point the loneliness creeps in, when everyone else around is following the ‘norm’ of having babies, settling down and being the good housewife. Even if a woman is successful and settled financially, she can’t help but feel like the odd one out. In India especially, one is almost frowned upon if you're not in conformity with the 'norm'.

This constant tug between trying to follow the ideals of the west and at the same time holding onto their ‘Indian values’ is a battle Indian women face today. But really, in the end it’s about being your confident self and not worrying about the whispers around you. If you can mange to hold your head high in this twisted society, you have accomplished half the battle. Expectations can be a bitch, especially if they are not set by you.

Ever wonder?

Ever wondered why a gazillion songs were written on heart break, losing love and more recently ‘being bullet proof?’ It seems the world revolves around relationships and pain, and that is what sells the most! Without these heartbroken souls, professionals like shrinks, tarot card readers and astrologers would be out of business!

Love is more complicated than we think. In today’s day and age, that simple eye gaze is not enough.  It starts with the usual attraction, then a number of dates (and possible hook-ups) before things actually get serious. Testing the waters, hot-and-cold treatment and plenty of games. If you’re lucky, all the games culminate into something meaningful that could actually go somewhere. And then after you’re still not sure, because there are the in-laws and parents to be dealt with. A number of other obstacles to cross. The list is never ending.

Finding love back in history seemed so easy. There weren't so many hurdles to cross! It was a simple look and like, and bam! Marriage. Babies. It had to work; also because being a housewife was the trend of the time and the man was the main bread earner. They learnt to love and tolerate each other.

But then one would argue and say that it wasn’t ‘true love.’ More of an arrangement. I think love was more real and pure back in the day when both parties learnt to adjust and respect each other, and from our Indian own history we have great examples like Jahangir & Nur Jahan, and Shah Jahan & Mumtaz Mahal. The Taj Mahal was built in her honour for Gods sake! Where do you see something like that now?

Young couples of today need to ‘discuss’ everything before taking any step forward. And unfortunately at times there is a long line of message conveyers in between, so by the time the message does reach the other person, it’s all ‘spiced up’ and distorted. Communication between 2 people attracted to one another needs to be direct. Relying on others who might mean well, is a road to disaster.

Romance is not the same today. Which is why girls who watch movie classics and read books are in hope that one-day their prince will ride up on a horse and rescue them. What women today need to do is make peace with reality and appreciate the man they are with. All easier said than done of course.

Giving up on each other is the trend of today. But if through all this madness, expectations, temptation, and power a couple can pow-wow their way through and make it to the other side, then that in itself can be counted as real romance!